How to resolve emotional pain


As long as you are unable to access the power of the now, every emotional pain that you experience leaves behind a residue of pain that lives on in you. 

-Eckhart Tolle


When we’re going through pain, whether emotional or physical, we become uncomfortable. This discomfort can make us desperately trying to do whatever it would take to return to normal.

For physical pain, we may be helped with some analgesics. Maybe we’d feel better after some time. But how do we deal with emotional suffering, a pain we feel but cannot exactly identify where it hurts most, or where it is coming from?

It is this complicated part of emotional pain that often add to its torture.

In order to be distracted from it, some people may become addicted to substances and excessive alcohol use to help them feel better albeit temporarily. In a bid to continue in that euphoria, continuous use of these substances can lead them to an addictive behaviour. Thus compounding the initial problem.

This is why it’s important we find out what pain an addict was trying to numb in order to effectively save them from the addiction.

This goes to show that we must face the emotional pain, and have it dealt with than attempts at silencing it.

Whenever you’re burdened with a particular emotional pain, it’s important to first do a self analysis of the situation to have a better understanding of where it may be coming from, and what contributing role you may have been playing to compound the situation.

This is the moment of truth. I understand how this can be very difficult to do because we rarely want to admit we are part of our pain. Yet it is the best first aid we can help ourselves with during this difficult period; not to condemn ourselves, or to blame ourselves; but to know what we must stop, or start doing differently.

Pain isn’t our problem. There will always be some kind of pain as long as we live.

I’ve always emphasized that the area we may be experiencing emotional pain is mostly to get our attention to what we may have ignored, neglected or rejected about ourselves. Pain is like a signal to act. When we listen to our pain this way, we are able to deal with the root causes, and at the same time grow from that space to a better version of ourselves before it can develop into suffering.

Take for instance, someone who is emotionally suffering because she feels alone and unloved due to her inability to have a stable and steady relationship. This is valid. No one deserves to be alone. How can we have billions of people on health, and you’re alone. It can be terrible to be in this state. This is why the feeling of loneliness is one of the leading causes of suicide.

However, what if we look at this issue differently? Imagine that this lady, rather, than, assuming herself of undeserving of love, search through her own life to see traces of habits that may be contributing to this experience of hers. Maybe she rarely associates with others, not open to new contacts, and often judges men from afar; thus staying away even before they move closer? Or, perhaps, her early experiences with men may have made her develop a limiting belief about relationships, which is now acting like a self prophecy.

Again, what if her growing up had been affected by the image of  an unpleasant intimate relationship she had seen her parents experienced and vowed within herself, rather unconsciously, not to be part of such intimate connections?

I am not saying these are the reasons she has been unable to actually find true love. We don’t know all things. Yet we must search through ourselves first. We must first start within to find any issues about us contributing to our pain. In most cases, if we can deal with what we find within, we are certain of being able to control the external factors.

Her emotional pain from persistent loneliness may be due to her own limiting beliefs about herself, or about her own life’s experiences. The pain then is only an opportunity to look at this matter and deal, not to self-pity partying or blaming. It is an opportunity to grow.

In this case, if she ignores her role, and externalize all her reasons, she would have denied herself the chance to help her pain before it becomes a chronic emotional suffering.

What if by dealing within, she also changes her lifestyle: becoming more open to people, going out often to socialize, developing even closer ties with her female friends through her new understanding about the importance of human connections, enjoying moments of her life without assuming it must happen only in an intimate relationship. Even making new memories from sharing her life with others, whether in an intimate relationship or not.

A lot can happen with just this few changes from herself. She may even forget she’s alone, and start to live life energized and sending higher vibrations that can help her connect faster with the right man. But if that doesn’t happen, at least she’s in a better state emotionally.

Please note, I’m not in anyway minimizing your emotional pain, if you’re currently going through this similar example.

However, we must confront our fears if we are serious about dealing with our pain. Otherwise, we risk paying only lip service to issues that we have the capacity to resolve.

If you can begin to see pain as a sign to check out where the hurts is arising from, and be decisive about what measures you would take to mitigate against it, you’re certain of eradicating such emotional down time before it aggravates to suffering.

Remember, pain isn’t suffering. And pain need not become suffering, if we tell ourselves the truth and proactively do our part not to complicate the issue.

It is when we see emotional pain with this perspective, that we are able to handle it in ways that are beneficial to our mental well-being; without becoming helpless victims to our own beliefs and emotions.

Whatever be the case, even the suffering had no intention to destroy you.

When we realize that no amount of emotional suffering can destroy us without our cooperative effort in believing that we are helpless in the situation, we gain the power to take charge and work out our healing.

Whether your emotional pain became an emotional suffering, or you were able to nip the bud just in time to prevent the spread, or not, there’s always hope for an escape to freedom and healing.

I’ve been pained from the deaths of my loved ones in many instances. I’ve experienced pain from relationship loss, business failure, defied hopes, body shaming, delay in having a job, and bad work environment among others.

Like you, I’ve watched as my pain turned to suffering because I felt helpless to do anything about it. Until the time I gained better insights. So I’m in a good place to let you know that we actually can do something about our emotional pain.

I remember how I’d wonder why me, why I should be the one to have this, and that issues. I’ve been here before. I write from my experience too.

For as long as I was there asking “why me?” the issues persisted. They were there starring at me. That mindset didn’t let me see possibilities. It didn’t allow me see the larger picture, and so I stayed longer at the doldrums than I should have. This attitude towards our emotional suffering is common among most of us. But it doesn’t solve our problems.

We have to accept the adversity, the sufferings, and whatever it is we consider unpleasant that may have happened to us in order to find solution. Then, and only then, do we see that without those experiences we may not become all that we are now. We may not have become this wiser. We may not have become this loving. We may not have become this empathetic. And we may not have become what we are now. That’s why we MUST accept them. Therein is our peace tied. Therein is where the glory begins to unveil itself.

Today, I help others walk their healing journey from emotional pain, not just because I’m trained to do so, more because I’ve walked the similar path. Therefore, my experiences of emotional suffering have become my gain.

Acceptance is key to our healing from any emotional distress.

We cannot linger longer than we should by holding on to the regrets about our ineptitude at the instance of the pain. That time has passed. Now is the time to act through acceptance first of all. Then we can move on to assess and intervene.

We may need a professional guide at this point to achieve this. Whatever it would take, do it.

And in all your doing, remember the take home lessons from the pain, and how to be more proactive the next time. Then share your healing and help others experience same.

To invite the author to speak, train at your event or organization, to order PHYSICAL copies of her books, or to book for personal experience with her, please send a mail to

To purchase her e-books, please click here

To your healing, love and fulfillment.

Follow me on Instagram, @thekounsellor or @Dkounsellor ok Twitter.


Joy Iseki, #thecounsellor

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on whatsapp
Share on email
Share on linkedin

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

64 − = 62