“I recently did an assessment of my life after a colleague of mine got angry at me for refusing to do his extra work while he quickly takes a nap.
If you do not know me before now, you might probably be quick to label me as being selfish, since this guy may be tired and only wanted some rest for a few minutes.
Tony, my colleague, naps daily at work even after his break time for the day has been exhausted and i usually help him fill up the work in between this time so he’s never caught. He brags about the numbers of movies he’s seen during conversations. A habit he uses his sleep time for. And i, Shade, as the workaholic-never-say-no-workmate, have to bear the consequences during work hours.
That was until now.
Shade is the me that i have had to struggle with almost all my life because Shade is too scared to say No to anyone and ends up doing for others what they could sometimes do better themselves. Don’t mind me, who just doesn’t enjoy the illusion of being “everybody’s” friend?
I have had some really lonely childhood, being the only child of my parents. Although that should not be an excuse for this loneliness but my case is quite complicated as i lost my mom in my adolescent years. So i guess i just didn’t want to lose anyone around me, even if this meant i had to always pay the price for their stay!
Now, i am not canvassing for some pity, just a quick background story. I am now 30 years old. I guess time flies really fast!
I have always wanted to be everyone’s friend, reason i rarely said no to any requests and something that has made my life miserable. I spent part of my spare time always doing for people what i’d ordinarily not want to do. Although it hasn’t been all that a sad story, i have had some great moments out of this too.
Please don’t get this wrong. It is a great thing helping people out. Something i do not want to let go off. Helping people because they have need of it is quite different when it becomes a case of being used by people. It’s a thin line in between.
I feel it’s time that people know my authentic self though.
I realized that i am unable to evolve and let the natural me flow into its purpose because i have not been able to make the decision of whether my true self is Shade or Liz?
Liz is who i am. Liz is the me that is not so self absorbed and wish to grow even if it means through some lonely path along the way. Growth can be lonely if you no longer belong. But Liz is crying out so loud now that i want Shade faded out of me. Maybe not so fast. I’ve got to start anyhow.
Liz can be naughty but Shade is too perfect for me! I want to be able to make mistakes and not fear being judged in someway.
Liz is the reason i had to say No to Tony this time because Liz deserves some naps too! It might take some more time and maybe few disagreements before people get to know that their “Shade is now Liz,” but it’s OK. As long as i get to be seen now as human.
My humanity is who Liz seeks to express. This is my start to a journey of my authentic self.”
You really have nothing to lose in being who you are. This is how you can grow, make positive changes to the parts of you that you feel is not so good now but can be improved upon.