We discussed last time about how it can be difficult for some people to receive love because of some reasons we cited. Find it here. It is from some of the personal responses to me from that post I’d be concluding the love series.
Part of the issues from these responses is the difficulty in expressing love to their beloved in ways they can feel loved. I have seen that more people are becoming curious to know how best to profess care to the one they love.
So I will make today’s post about The Love Languages. The book by Gary Chapman, was one of my first books to read on relationships back then at the university. And among the best I have since read. Even though I have lost my copy of this book, I remember very vividly most of what I learnt from that masterpiece. I would advise anyone planning on a new relationship to get a copy before setting love on fire, the wrong way!
The purpose of this write-up is not to do a book review on Dr Gary’s work, neither to summarize it. I am making reference to the author as regards the five love languages, only.
What are these love languages and how can you apply them to your relationship?
One of the most complicated issues couples I have spoken with have about love is the problem of not truly knowing how to show love to their beloved in a way they can relate with. Which is an experience anyone who’s been in a relationship before can attest to.
It is one thing to be claiming how much you love someone; and another thing entirely for the person to know that you truly love them.
This is where the love languages come in.
Even though this might not be absolute, it can help some people in many ways.
You see, there are some men who love how good a lady cooks, and the savvyness she shows in her domesticated traits. He likes it when she helps him wash the clothes and keeps the house tidy. For him, she’s the perfect woman because of these things she does.
He may easily forgive her of any past grudges whenever she’s able to help him keep those boxers free from the reek himself cannot stand. This type of men understand love through acts of service. And there are some ladies like this too.
Love for them is in how the man can help out with the dishes, and tidy up the house, without thinking it a woman’s affair. She appreciates his random opening of the car door for her to come in. she smiles at how he easily repairs the washing machine so she wouldn’t have to wash all the filthy clothes by herself.
And for her, part of the best moments is when they’re cooking in the kitchen together, or himself doing it for her, alone. She feels on top of the moon over his acts at helping her with the chores than anything else.
For another soul, loving her is best expressed through the quality time you spend with her. Please notice my use of “quality” so you won’t start complains about how you stay home all day with her and yet she still moans about you not being available. Maybe your time at home is only to watch the TV, and to update your status on social media? I don’t know.
For the quality time lover, like myself, how you spend the time together is more important than the duration. For he who appreciates quality time wants your time with him totally around him, you, and about the both of you. It’s not the time to be checking the next rants on twitter, or checking how many likes your last uploaded images to Instagram had. That time is no longer quality if it’s not about the lover and the beloved.
That time should be about us; about the staring in the eyes, about the littlest details that concerns us, and about sharing of the hearts. It’s the time to keep the smart phones, and TVs away and focus on creating moments that makes relationship almost irresistible to let go off.
Sometimes, quality time may just be a walk round the quiet neighbourhoods, or a stroll to the park. It’s not so much about the place being among the lists of the world’s top heritage spots, as it is about where your heart is at those moments. Having quality time in this case is about gifting your lover with the aura of your presence; being here with her while you are there with her.
In another case, someone else does not mind you being miles away, as long as you can buy that time in return with gifts. For this kind of lover, the way she understands being loved is by your show of gift, gifts and MORE gifts!
She can bear with you being very far away and still remain faithful for as long as you are sending gifts to her as a reminder that she’s always in your hearts. These ones may cope well with long distance relationships. To this lover, the giving of gifts is her core primary love language.
These kinds can be apart from their lover for a long time and see no issues, and many would not even cheat on them either. As long as the lover understands the key to keeping her heart faithfully in love with him; buying gifts!
I know someone might be saying, “Everybody loves gifts!” Well, maybe, but not to this degree. Some people could be seeing each other for a whole year without the exchange of much gifts, other than the frequent going outs and the regular lover’s talk over the phone. Yet things would still be fine with them. But if he’s the type who loves gifts, and she has never bought him even a pair of socks, he may conclude in his mind that she’s being stingy about her love for him, and how he might not be able to cope with her; even if she’s doing everything else perfect.
Hey, it’s not only women who loves the exchange of gifts, you know!
Can you see how some relationships are ended with the other person feeling jilted even though she may have assumed doing everything right?
It makes no sense what you do if it’s not serving the purpose of your beloved feeling loved by you.
While telling your lover how much you love them as frequently as you can is commendable, there are some people whose primary desire is to hear those tunes in their ears a million times, daily. For these kind of lovers, you might buy them the latest Ferrari, and yet, they might still feel unloved, and not satisfied. Crazy, huh? Unless you can add the expression of how you felt about her to have bought her the Ferrari in the first place, in words!
She wants to be told how much you love her MORE than the quantities of gifts you are willing to buy her. And no, she’s not ungrateful. She just understands love through the show of words of affirmation.
If a lady whose primary love language is words of affirmation is not often told by her lover about how good she looks, especially after the efforts she may have put in at looking good on their dates, she may feel sad about the outcome. This kind of a lover needs constant reassurance of love through words of encouragement and commendations through compliments.
These are the kind of men who complain about their wives not being supportive of them, and yet not demanding for her money in anyway. Because the money isn’t what he truly wants. He just needed some “well-done” pats on his back. Rub it!
Different people understand love diversely. It is the reason there is no perfect or generally acceptable specs for all individuals. Your goal is to know how your own lover feels loved.
That you prefer a lady to cook well doesn’t make the other guy who doesn’t care about those, abnormal. For him, all he wants might just be a companion who he can spend quality time with. If that comes with being able to cook well, fine. Otherwise, still good for him.
I used to wonder why certain people would rather choose to be with particular persons you had thought they could never be seen with, until I understood these love languages.
While it may seem strange holding the hands of a lover in public places for some guys, another does this almost naturally, and in all places. He likes hugs, and she feels loved when she’s made love to, than you helping her out with the dishes. She doesn’t mind washing all day, for you, or herself, as long as you touch her in areas where she can feel the drive to later do those washes, without fuss. For this kind of a lover, the way she understands being loved is by your frequent display of physical touch to her.
These are the ones who would rather a hug as a welcome-back-home greetings. They can easily feel left out in a group where both of you are, if you sit far away from each other.
Are any of these love languages perfect? No. And do they answer to some of the complications lovers sometimes go through in their efforts at trying to win the hearts of their beloved? I think so. Because while it is good to feel love towards another soul, it is far more important that they can relate with how you feel about them. And the way you can better do this is with your understanding of their soft spots towards love and leveraging on it.
This, I think, is the essence of the love languages. It is not to teach you how to love, because quite truly, love is too complicated to be fully spelt out for two people.
I have heard that some people can be very difficult to love. While I understand the possibility of this, going by some of my experiences at friendships, I also feel that when it comes to love between two people, where emotions are already involved, it can be even more complicated . For this reason, I think the easiest way for you at loving your beloved rightly is to try as much as you can to understand how they can feel loved in the first place. This effort could save you from many drama.
It is of good to note that love languages like personality tests, can have more than one type present in a lover, but with the major one being more pronounced visibly. Your own prerogative is to find out what makes your beloved tick, and tick it!
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To your evolving life.