Have you ever been in love? Now? Before? Never?

For many marriage is the seal of their shared love, forever. It is to the she-lover the security of finally being the only one for him. At least, so she believes.

One of the most beautiful song delightful to the human ear is the feelings which the “I love you” sounds brings to the heart. It can make a heart skip a beat, and still be alive. Love…!

Why do we fall in love? Maybe you’ve never thought about that.

I am sure you still remember how you felt the moment you fell in love. Most people do. Especially for the first timers. It’s not something one can apathetically explain. Yet, one we cherish too much to allow its fading off.

It’s still February. And we’re talking about Love.

My focus today is an attempt to as much as possible show the reasons we fall in love. I have been in love before. I think I am in the class of people who I heard fall in love with the mind and intellect first; more like a mental intercourse?

The difference in my case is in how attractiveness also is key in almost equal proportions, if not entirely the same. No, I’m not a complicated being. Not that I am simple either. I am just…who I am.

I will try my best to make this brief, because the focus is more like an introspection on your part to find out why you think you did ever fall in love with the person you’re spending your life with, if you had.

And if you’re not having the best out of your relationship at the moment, retracing the why could help re-ignite the love again.

I have since discovered one thing about life. And it’s this: the knowledge of the why of a thing can help with how to achieve that thing, and still be the motivation to continue in that thing during the stormy times.

This has been true for me in almost all endeavor. And it applies to love too.

If you had been head over heels with your lover in the time past but no longer have that same desire towards them, if you can work out why you fell in love in the first place, it could help save the love lost. Please try it.

While you’re pondering on your own part, let me show you some reasons humans generally fall in love.

The pleasurable feeling the hormones serves us: When two individuals fall in love, there are a dozen brain regions at work during this time, according to scientists. These regions release the neurotransmitters and other chemicals in the brain and blood that prompt greater euphoric sensations such as attraction and pleasure.

It is this attraction that usually lead you on to the one you have the feelings for. If you recall, I talked briefly about the pleasurable feelings Dopamine serves us during this feelings of love (find my previous post here.

The release of Dopamine, a neurotransmitter, causes the same pleasurable gush you usually feel at the sight of a lover. It is this same hormone that can lead to the same addictive feelings in drug and alcohol use which can cause an addiction because of the temporary high levels of euphoria it makes them to feel during consumption.

To maintain this pleasure, the drug user goes back to the drug again. And keeps repeating same until he is now frequently drunk, in the case of the use of alcohol, or become addictive to the drug.

From the above, I am sure you can also relate to reasons letting sour love go can be difficult, even when it has become brutal, like the case of the drug addiction. This may be the reason some people say love is blind?

According to Professor Stephanie Ortigue, an assistant professor of Pyschology at Syracuse University, passion also heightens several cognitive functions, as the brain regions and chemicals surge. Professor Stephanie concluded that these cognitive functions, in turn, “are triggers that fully activate the love network.” This is how humans fall in love.

Before all these processes happen, however, many other factors does interplay. Like the smell of the person, eye contacts, and some other physical attributes you may have desired in a partner. While some people still believe that the act of falling in love is voluntary, like something which just happens, being in love is not.

There are also evidence of physical reasons to falling in love. Remember the Tall, Dark, and handsome model? Or maybe it was her height and slenderness, or the extra fats at the hip region, something that made her a resemblance to the ideal image you’d hitherto fantasized about?

This is important because meeting  people with particular cues which we admire can make us fall in love with them. It is the reason we usually talk about specs, and all of that, when describing our choice partner. I guess everybody just wants what they want.

In 1989, scientists Aron et al, made the conclusion through their research that readiness can make one fall in love too. When someone wants a relationship badly enough, they lower their self-esteem and this increases their chances of falling in love.

I have seen this happen to a lot of singles, who sometimes become desperate at getting married. And it is no respecter of gender. Both men and women are prone to this habit.

Unfortunately, it can be dangerous. It is that moment of absolute readiness that may not allow enough diligence at finding out more about the other person before falling in love with them crazily.

Of the many reasons why we fall in love, I found the one about mystery quite fascinating.

This is why: Scientists have found that when someone appears mysterious in some ways to you, through your desire to find out about their conundrum, there are usually more chances of falling in love with them because wondering when he or she will initiate a contact with you can increase your passion to want to be with them.

And I was wondering if this is the reason some people play hard to get.

Then there are other people who fall in love with another because of their smell, mannerisms, similarities in beliefs, ethics, tribes, and religion, and others due to isolation.

The reasons we fall in love can also be personal to the respective parties. Love is too much of a substance to easily break down in a form that reflects purely in black and white, only.

Spending longer hours with a particular person in isolation can increase your chances of falling in love with them because of the time spent together alone. This may be the reason housemates fall in love in reality shows despite some being married already.

Isolation can breed some form of proximity and feeling of familiarity with the other person that can make you feel comfortable around them.

Now that you have fallen head over heels with your beloved, what next?

While falling in love may be important, it shouldn’t end there. It is the first stage of the other phases of love. For one, falling in love confirms attractiveness. Which is great. But there is the greater level of being in love.

Being in love is getting to know the content of your object of adoration. This is where a lot, if not many, fall out of the initial infatuations of falling in love.

Being in love is moving beyond mere physical attractiveness, to having an emotional attraction with someone based more on who they are and how they make you feel.

For men in particular, this is important. Rarely can a man stay long in a relationship where he is not emotionally attracted to the woman. Ladies take note here.

If your beloved is suitable to your personality, and both of you have that same attractiveness towards each other, and share the reciprocity of loveliness, then it becomes a case of two people who want to experience love with each other.

What guarantees how well your new relationship will move forward is your decision to love each other. This part isn’t effortless at all. Because the initial “blindness” at the point of falling in love has worn off and reality is in now.

You suddenly find out she’s not as perfect as your illusive desire. And he’s not able to keep a lot of his promises to you. But if you can tolerate their imperfect bits without constantly making them feel bad about it, you may be good to go.

Please notice that I said, tolerate. Nothing is enforced in love. If you are not willing, or not able to accommodate someone else’s weaknesses, please decide to move out before the “I do handcuff.”

It is your decision to continue in love, or not to, because you are not able to tolerate the imperfections of the other, that separates mere baby at love, from the real matured minds who have made up their mind to love another soul forever, or cautiously leave them alone, in peace.

When it comes to love, the significance of the one day at a time tenet becomes even more overriding. You can only love each day at a time. When you can wake up daily by the same person after the many years together and still feel grateful that this person is your partner for life, then you have chosen the path of love.

This is advisable reason to having the why you fell in love in the first place in mind.

We must realize that as human beings, it is in our part to fall in love daily, in the most little ways we can, with the one whom we have chosen to love. That’s the oath of commitment we’ve made.

Love isn’t a wish, but  some thing we’ve decided to do. All effort must be on deck to make it work, therefore. Since you desired love, then you should be loving to your beloved as much as you can, day by day; keeping always in your mind the reason you chose that one among the billions of others.


P.S. Please leave your contributions, comments and any questions in the comment section. Should you want to contact the author for any engagement, counselling, or speaking functions, kindly make use of the Contact Me page, or send mail to thekounsellor@gmail.com

To your successfully evolving life,

Joy Iseki



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